Eventually, Al Gore invented the Internet. Thank God for Al Gore.

After that, I was "off to the races" as the saying goes.

I first got on the Internet about five years ago. I have a dial-up connection. However, I no longer get that euphoric high I used to get when logging in via phone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to mainline DSL/Cable soon, just to recapture that high. I'm frightened. I'm very very frightened.

Last month, I sold my car just to afford to set up a website of my own. Now, I'm thinking about pawning the stereo so I can upgrade to a bigger Yahoo mailbox. Where will it end? As they say, "One log-in is too many, and a thousand never enough."

Oh no, I just realized - I haven't backed up my files in over 48 hours. Talk about your stressful situations.

DAY 3: The Internet withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. The cold sweats come and go. I'm shaking uncontrollably at times. I can't focus my eyes. My joints ache. I can't seem to concentra...

...If only I could log onto internetaddict.org and get some help! Maybe I could join of one those "Internet Addict Support Group" mailing lists I've heard so many wonderful things about.

Still anxious and confused. Even more so, in fact.

DAY 4: I find I'm now sleeping more than four hours a night. However, I still wake up at three AM and think, "Time to get online and check that email." Old habits die hard, apparently. Thereafter, my sleep is restless.

I awake this morning, after having a strangely fevered 'net dream.

I dreamt Matt Drudge and Instapundit's Glenn Reynolds were standing at the foot of my bed.

Drudge held a mouse in the palm of his hand, and said, "Just one click. It'll make you feel good."

Reynolds added, "The first log-in is free, but then it's gonna cost 'ya. Only $19.95 a month!"

I wake with a start, to find my bed drenched in stale sweat. I feel very cold and alone. If only I had another human being to talk to - but I don't have access to Yahoo! Messenger right now.

My first thought this morning is "How much unsolicited sex-related email has piled up?" I'm horny as hell, and have no way to look at online porn. I feel as if I'm going to explode from the waist down. Damn.

DAY 5: My friend has been trying to get me to eat something all day. I won't touch that food. It smells funny. I feel nauseous.