And in defense of Laurence "Larry" Fishburne and his extra poundage... Yeah, he's fat, but he was the only one who really made me feel it when he was doing the kung fu shit. He wasn't just going, "Punch, punch, punch, then dodge, then you kick me, then I jump," like you could see all the other actors thinking. He was into it. Even though you could tell the speeding semi he was jumping around on was fake, he made you believe that he was fighting for his life.

Oh, and the two other good things about it: Monica Bellucci. Holy shit. Just show a couple hours of her walking around in that dress and call it The MILFtrix Re-boner'd!

To avoid going out on a positive note, may I bitch about the ending? The incredible shock ending? "Oh no, look who's on the medical table next to Neo! It's that little creepy guy with the beard! Remember? Back like 2 hours ago? Agent Smith did the black-oil-taking-over-people's-bodies thingy, and then somehow he took over this guy's mind in the real world I guess, because the guy was totally cutting his own hand with a wicked knife and watching the blood flow and getting a stiffy because he's a crazy computer program in a human body, and, and check it out! Now that same guy is right there with Neo! I'm pretty sure it's him, at least, even though his face is upside-down in the very last freaking shot of the movie, and we only saw him for a total of 45 seconds before that, and what's his name, even? But whatever, there he is! Unconscious! With Agent Smith in his noggin! In the real world! Where he can't do gravity-defying kung fu or dodge bullets or take over the bodies of any nearby humans or make a zillion copies of himself or any of the other stuff that made him dangerous in the Matrix! Dude, how many microseconds till the sequel?!?"

Shoulda listened to Lileks.

Verdict: Two Pocket-Protector-Covered Thumbs Down

(Photo courtesy of Hoos)

this post originally appeared on Mother, May I Sleep With Treacher?